How to Draw Boundaries with Nonresponsives in Personal Finances: Debbie’s Story

I don’t hear this sort of stories often but every once in a while when I hear it, it rocks me. Debbie once told me about her father when she was growing up. By the way, Debbie isn’t her real name but she is a real person I know.

Debbie rarely has seen her father work or be productive when she was growing up. It was her mother who worked to support her and her siblings. Debbie grew up being resentful toward her dad because not only did he not work and support the family financially as a father should, he spent whatever money Debbie’s mom earned and more, even causing trouble in the neighborhood with his drinking and gambling addictions.

Debbie had wished that her mom had divorced her dad and just took the kids with her away from her dad.

You see, Debbie’s dad was someone who did not know what he was responsible for as a husband and a father. While he was responsible to care and provide for his family, as a nonresponsive, he just couldn’t hear the needs of anyone in the family.

Do you know anyone like Debbie’s mom who gets taken advantage of? Do you know anyone like Debbie’s dad who lives as a nonresponsive, simply not hearing the needs of others they are responsible for?

How to Draw Boundaries with Nonresponsives in Personal Finances

Henry Cloud and John Townsend in their book Boundaries talk about two types of nonresponsives. The first are those with critical spirit toward others’ needs. They hate their own needs so much that they project it to others, and in effect, end up ignoring the real needs of others.

The second are the narcissistic type, n their self-absorption of their own desires and needs, they just exclude others.

Controlling nonresponsives as self-absorbed narcissists mainly see others as being responsible to take care of them, often gravitating toward those with blurry boundaries who easily take on too many responsibilities.

Who do controlling nonresponsives like Debbie’s dad get drawn to? That’s right, compliant avoidants like Debbie’s mom who rescue and enable others. Compliant avoidants often look for people to save and repair, taking on responsibilities that should not be taken. Controlling nonresponsives usually look for that person who will keep them away from responsibility. Both of their boundaries are broken.

Start Here

1. Controlling nonresponsives. Most controlling nonresponsives don’t read articles like this, but if you are one and are reading this, I want to applaud you. But please, take responsibility of the damage you have caused to those around you, repent, get help to change. You can’t do this alone. Find a Christian therapist or a seasoned pastor. Get a copy of the book Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud, and start there. But even more basic than that, you need to come before God and acknowledge that you are a sinner, a selfish one who is enslaved by your self-centeredness and totally ignoring the image of God in others, and thus you have been using people as a means to your end rather than loving them and serving them. Truly, only Jesus Christ can set you free from yourself, forgive your sins of commission (using people) and omission (not loving or serving people). And yes, Jesus can change you by the power of the Holy Spirit, beginning your journey as his disciple.

2. Compliant avoidants. You may know a compliant avoidant who might be in a toxic relationship with a controlling nonresponsive, or you may be a compliant avoidant yourself. I encourage you to begin acknowledging that your boundaries are blurry and not working properly. Something is seriously broken in you and you need help to build the walls and the gates of your boundaries so that you can keep the bad out while allowing the good to enter. And believe it or not, you too need to repent and turn to Jesus. Deep down, your need to save people and not confront people reveals your desperate need for Jesus’ finished work on the cross. Only Jesus can truly save you and others and mature you to stop fearing people. Jesus’ finished work on the cross proves your worth and value, not in what you can do for others.

At the heart of establishing boundaries is knowing what is good, what is bad, knowing who you are and what it means to live with integrity. God surely has boundaries, and so should Christ-followers as we steward all that the Lord has given us to manage for his approval, from relationships to money.

Let me suggest that you start by reading this book and start learning about boundaries from a biblical perspective. Invest in yourself by reading this book and please support me by using the affiliate links below when you get a copy of your book, Boundaries by John Townsend and Henry Cloud.

You can purchase them at my resource page.

You won’t regret investing in this book.

Ready to Start?

Are you ready to get started? Contact me at paul@jangfinancial.com if you want to help disciple your congregation as God-honoring stewards from a biblical perspective, or if you yourself want to grow as a steward seeking to practically manage the finances better to hear from our Lord upon his return, “Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.” (Matthew 25:21, 23)

Paul Jang

Pastor | Personal Financial Coach to Individuals & Financial Stewardship Ministry Consultant for Churches

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Paul Jang served as a full-time ordained pastor for close to 15 years in Bergen County, NJ. Currently, he serves as an associate pastor at the Church Gathered & Scattered and as a personal financial coach and a financial stewardship ministry consultant for churches at Jang Financial Coaching LLC (jangfinancial.com), he serves Christ-followers and churches position toward financial peace, independence, and generosity. He is a certified Ramsey Solutions Master Financial Coach, a certified small group facilitator of Compass, finances God’s way, and a member of Christian Stewardship Network. Paul has been serving as a financial counselor for about decade and enjoys running while listening to a good audiobook on anything financial. He is happily married to Joy and committed to raising 3 future stewards in God’s Kingdom.

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