How to Deal with Controllers Who Don’t Respect Your Boundaries: Introduction

Do you have people in your life who have difficulty hearing and accepting your boundaries, especially when it comes to money? It could be a friend or a family member who keeps insisting you to cosign for a lease on a car or a loan for school. Or that same person who keeps asking you to lend them some money you know they won’t pay back.

You have learned the hard way once before by co-signing for a loan. Or lending money. It strained the relationship and it has never been the same. You ended up paying for the loan you cosigned for, something you couldn’t really afford. Bible clearly teaches us not to cosign (Prov. 6:1-5, 11:15, 17:18, 22:26-27), but you might have a friend or a family member who keeps pressuring you to do something you know you just shouldn’t do.

Instead of not buying a car that they can’t afford, we might know people who keep insisting their ways. It’s as if your no is simply a challenge for them to change your mind. I have encountered far too many people who were wrecked this way.

People who can’t respect others’ limits or boundaries are called controllers. Controllers resist taking responsibility for their own lives so they often need to control others.

Controllers’ primary problem is that they can’t hear no, which is different from those who can’t say no. To a controller, no means maybe and maybe means yes.

Bible teaches us in Galatians 6 that we are all responsible for our own loads while sharing burdens with others. Controllers don’t recognize their loads as their responsibility and make their loads as burdens for others.

I had a friend in college who had a hard time respecting other people’s boundaries. When I said no, he would not take my no for an answer and would keep insisting on his way, coming from different angles to persuade me to do what he wanted. I got really annoyed with him and he got even more annoyed with me sticking with my boundaries.

How to Deal with Controllers Who Don’t Respect Your Boundaries: Start Here

There are aggressive controllers who can be verbally or physically abusive while being unaware that other people have boundaries. People in their lives have done a great disservice by not saying no to them.

And there are manipulative controllers who try to persuade people out of their boundaries. Do you remember how Tom Sawyer tricked other kids in the neighborhood to whitewashing the fence for him? Do you remember how Isaac’s son Jacob persuaded his twin brother Esau into giving up his birthright (Gen. 25:29-34) and with the help of his mother, tricked his father into giving Esau’s blessing on him (Gen. 27:1-29)?

Controllers are undisciplined people with little ability to curb their desires. Delaying gratification is hard. Controllers have difficulty taking responsibilities for their own lives, often blaming someone or situation instead of owning up. And controllers are lonely because people stay with them mainly out of fear, guilt or dependency instead of love, trust, and interdependence.

Start Here

1. Take some time by evaluating yourself (or relationships you have). Are you undisciplined in the way you spend money? Do you have difficulty curbing your desires? If you are in a financially precarious situation, do you find yourself blaming someone or something else instead of taking responsibility yourself? Take some time honestly examining yourself or your relationships where this may be true.

2. Spend some time reading and meditating on Genesis 27:1-29. Jacob’s controlling tendencies aren’t new to his family of origin. After all, both Abraham and Isaac aggressively and manipulatively controlled their wives when their lives were potentially in jeopardy, risking their wives’ safety and dignity for their own (Gen. 12:10-20, 20:1-18, 26:1-11). How might you have been modeled with some bad boundaries in your family of origin? How can you allow the power of the gospel to sharply speak into your personal life?

3. If you are a controller, how can you begin to honor the image of God in others by recognizing their boundaries? If you are being manipulated by a controller in your life, consider what is broken in you that is allowing this to happen. Spend some time praying and get some help.

At the heart of establishing boundaries is knowing what is good, what is bad, knowing who you are and what it means to live with integrity. God surely has boundaries, and so should Christ-followers as we steward all that the Lord has given us to manage for his approval, from relationships to money.

Let me suggest that you start by reading this book and start learning about boundaries from a biblical perspective. Invest in yourself by reading this book and please support me by using the affiliate links below when you get a copy of your book, Boundaries by John Townsend and Henry Cloud.

You can purchase them at my resource page.

You won’t regret investing in this book.

Ready to Start?

Are you ready to get started? Contact me at paul@jangfinancial.com if you want to help disciple your congregation as God-honoring stewards from a biblical perspective, or if you yourself want to grow as a steward seeking to practically manage the finances better to hear from our Lord upon his return, “Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.” (Matthew 25:21, 23)

Paul Jang

Pastor | Personal Financial Coach to Individuals & Financial Stewardship Ministry Consultant for Churches

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Paul Jang served as a full-time ordained pastor for close to 15 years in Bergen County, NJ. Currently, he serves as an associate pastor at the Church Gathered & Scattered and as a personal financial coach and a financial stewardship ministry consultant for churches at Jang Financial Coaching LLC (jangfinancial.com), he serves Christ-followers and churches position toward financial peace, independence, and generosity. He is a certified Ramsey Solutions Master Financial Coach, a certified small group facilitator of Compass, finances God’s way, and a member of Christian Stewardship Network. Paul has been serving as a financial counselor for about decade and enjoys running while listening to a good audiobook on anything financial. He is happily married to Joy and committed to raising 3 future stewards in God’s Kingdom.

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