How to Set Boundaries with People About People

How to Set Boundaries with People: Questions People Struggle With

Parents have asked me if they should let their fully grown adult children to live in their homes without being productive or contributing to the family’s finances. They keep giving allowance to their fully grown adult children while asking me why they are not finishing school or getting a job.

Adult children have asked me how to say no to their parents’ implicit financial expectations as they are getting older. They are afraid to have difficult adult conversations with their parents, what they believe they can afford to do while pursuing their calling.

Grandparents ask me if they should cosign for their grandchild’s auto loan, or if they should take out a HELOC to help pay for their grandchild’s college education while they are barely making their ends meet.

People complain to me about their friends who keep borrowing money from them without paying back, always asking them to spot them, saying that they’ll pay back.

People complain to me about trips and vacations they went with friends or families, vacations they really couldn’t afford, and now trying to pay back their credit card debt for the next 6 months.

Grandparents who are barely making it, living paycheck to paycheck, can’t say no to expensive gifts for their grandchildren and keep on struggling to make their ends meet as they try to plan for their retirement.

Adult children who can’t speak up to their parents are buying cars or homes they know they can’t afford just to please their parents’ expectations.

Staying true or living with personal integrity is difficult when we do life with people God has placed in our lives. Saying “yes” or “no” to what we believe the Bible teaches us, is superseded by what we are simply used to culturally. And when relationships and money are involved, it gets even more challenging and painful.

I have seen countless relationships fall apart between families, friends, and coworkers over money.

Are you content with the way you are relating with people God has placed in your life in regards to money? Do you believe you are saying “yes” or “no” in a God-honoring biblical way?

More couples come to me for help over their differences and struggles over money than anything else. Even as disciples of Jesus, we are usually living in accordance to our familiar family cultures and expectations rather than biblical expectations and kingdom expectations.

So let me introduce you to a book that has changed my life. After the Bible, this is probably one of the top most read books I have in my library. I can’t recommend this book enough.

How to Set Boundaries with People: Introduction to Boundaries by John Townsend and Henry Cloud

About 15 years ago, I came across a book titled Boundaries by John Townsend and Henry Cloud. Eventually, this book became my go-to book about emotional health from a biblical perspective, and I went on to learn and apply the principles of biblical boundaries in relationships from this book, applying it to relationships in general as well as to relationships and money.

I have read this book so many times that I can’t really count. I have read this book with my paperback, digital copy, and listened to it a myriad times in audiobook format. We don’t really have an excuse not to read these days, and I exhort you to read this book for the health of your soul and for the relationships God has given you to steward for his glory.

I just want to share a few points that really resonated with me, hopefully, to whet your appetite and get the book.

The book explains the biblical distinction of a burden which must be shared with others (Galatians 6:2) and a load which must be carried by the individual (Galatians 6:5).

The challenge for Christ followers is to prayerfully discern what is a load that which we are to individually bear, and what is a burden that we are to share with others. A burden is a responsibility that we have to one another, while a load is a responsibility for us.

Confusion and problems arise when people see loads as burdens or vice versa.

Question: Are you carrying the load that the Lord has asked you to bear or is someone else carrying that for you? Are you trying to carry the burden that others should be carrying with you or are you just doing it on your own and getting crushed while trying? How about financially?

The book also introduces us to some practical boundary problems. Let me list the four that the book discusses and invite you to examine how you fare.

1. The Compliant says “yes” to the bad, often feeling guilty and/or controlled by others, often can’t set boundaries,

2. The Avoidant says “no” to the good, setting boundaries against receiving care from others,

3. The Controller does not respect others’ boundaries, aggressively or manipulatively violating others’ boundaries,

4. The Non-Responsive does not hear the needs of others, setting boundaries against the responsibility to love others.

Financially speaking, are you a compliant who says “yes” to the bad financial conditions that you know you should stay away but seem to have this inability to say no? Does it feel wrong to say no at the moment though you regret it later?

When people are trying to help you and you are in desperate need, does your pride make you say “no” to receiving the help you need as an avoidant?

As a controller, when you are set on getting something, do you ignore other people’s financial boundaries, aggressively pushing your agenda even to the point of manipulating them?

Or as a non-responsive, do you not listen to the needs of others, not helping when you have the means and the responsibility to love others?

At the heart of establishing boundaries is knowing what is good, what is bad, knowing who you are and what it means to live with integrity. God surely has boundaries, and so should Christ-followers as we steward all that the Lord has given us to manage for his approval.

Let me suggest that you start by reading this book. Invest in yourself by reading this book and please support me by using the affiliate links below when you get a copy of your book, Boundaries by John Townsend and Henry Cloud.

Kindle Ebook

Paperback book

Audible audiobook

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Ready to Start?

Are you ready to get started? Contact me at paul@jangfinancial.com if you want to help disciple your congregation as God-honoring stewards from a biblical perspective, or if you yourself want to grow as a steward seeking to practically manage the finances better to hear from our Lord upon his return, “Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.” (Matthew 25:21, 23)

Paul Jang

Pastor | Personal Financial Coach to Individuals & Financial Stewardship Ministry Consultant for Churches

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Paul Jang served as a full-time ordained pastor for close to 15 years in Bergen County, NJ. Currently, he serves as an associate pastor at the Church Gathered & Scattered and as a personal financial coach and a financial stewardship ministry consultant for churches at Jang Financial Coaching LLC (jangfinancial.com), he serves Christ-followers and churches position toward financial peace, independence, and generosity. He is a certified Ramsey Solutions Master Financial Coach, a certified small group facilitator of Compass, finances God’s way, and a member of Christian Stewardship Network. Paul has been serving as a financial counselor for about decade and enjoys running while listening to a good audiobook on anything financial. He is happily married to Joy and committed to raising 3 future stewards in God’s Kingdom.

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